When I turned 14 and a half, (yes that was eons ago---circa early 90's: shit, who knows?)
I attended a field trip with my 9th grade class...
We took a busload full to downtown Charlotte, NC...
Rode the elevator to the 50th floor (whatever...all I remember is that we rode really high) of the corporate headquarters of "said bank..."
Strolled into a very large conference room with a gigantic mahogany table, that overlooked the entire skyline of Charlotte.
"I'm gonna sit in that chair at the table's end there, and run a place like this someday," I whispered in my mind.
I was 14.
And I had vision...
I had a voice...
I had drive and determination...
I had passion...
As editor that year, I named our 9th grade yearbook, "The Sky's the Limit."
I believed in success, power and being somebody special...
I'm not sure why that thought crossed my mind in the conference room that cool Autumn day.
Why does a 14 year old girl think such things?
Most girls are playing barbies, and chasing boys (well, I did that too)...
But why would a silly girl from the south think such a masculine, hopeful, visionary thought?
Passion?
Faith?
Hope?
Belief in better?
Wanting the best?
Desiring to be heard?
At 14 years old?
I don't know...
But what I DO know is that the vision was so vivid, and the confidence so intoxicating.
I never really struggled with shame or fear, UNTIL my 30's.
Usually, that's when MOST people finally feel the confidence they never had as a child or teenager.
But for me, it's been a different journey.
And it's been painstaking and extremely difficult.
I always knew as a young girl, even into my late 20's, that I could accomplish ANYTHING I set my eyes on...
And I did JUST that...
Everything I set out to do, I accomplished...
I got into grad school, I dropped my degree to be a self taught makeup artist-just because I thought it would be fun...
I moved to California in a flash...
And then I got tired of THAT and wanted to be an actor...
"DREAM BIG!" I'd say...
"Live like tomorrow is your last! Never settle! Fight like hell! Carpe Diem!"
Well...
I thought, "If I want X, Y, or Z, all I have to do is give 100%. I am not tied to anything or anyone. I am free, and I am me."
So what happened, Caroline?
When did you stop believing?
When did your circumstances become your limit?
I guess, my sweet,
When things just didn't work out.
When nothing worked out AT ALL like the visions YOU had...
When your family split...
When the friends all left...
When you had no home...
When you slept on all those random couches...
When you drove through the night and into the wee morning hours in LA over, and over and over...
When you struggled and struggled and struggled to survive...
When you snacked on power bars from gas stations for breakfast, lunch and dinner...
And even THEN, in the midst of all that chaos,
When the multiple jobs were lost,
Or when the next dude left,
Or the money didn't come in,
You still fought. And you tried...
And you cried...
A lot.
But you kept on fighting...
I never really gave a damn what others' thought (unless they mattered, like an agent or casting director), or the calls I had to make to knock down doors, and push my way in...
But is it in the struggle of fighting relentlessly for years and years and years, that one grows weary?
Does the light at the end start to fade, and only burn a shadowed ember?
Do things sometimes just NOT work out?
I guess so...
And those are the things that make the heart sick.
And dreams are lost...
And visions fade or suddenly disappear.
So, in the last half a year, I've begun to throw up my hands in glee...
And I laugh...
And sometimes I scream...
And then I shut my eyes, and I say,
"ok...
I see."
I NOW sit in my old, faded blue recliner chair, staring at my stained brown carpet, and shabby walled room of a basement studio...
I whisper through my smile, as I sip on cheap red...
"I surrender, yes, I surrender...
I did...
And NOW I am truly free."
